BEING GRAND IS PRACTICALLY NOT SO GRAND

Date: 24th September 2009 Time: 1:30 PM Place: Café Coffee Day, Karol Bagh Metro station, New Delhi

She was an old lady, somewhere in her early seventies. Her back was a bit arched either due to old age or it was merely an illusion caused by the hump on her back. Her left eye seemed to be devoid of an eyeball owing to the duskiness caused by prolonged cataract. Her silver hair was tied loosely in a thin braid. A grey bag hanged from her left shoulder and she was desperately trying to push open the glass door of the café. She tried thrice before a girl helped her with the door.

She entered the café, scanned the surroundings with her right eye & placed her grey bag on an empty table. She stood there for a moment, deep in her own thoughts. Finally she went up to the counter and said something. The waiter looked perplexed & he bent himself over the counter & whispered to which the lady replied–“EK Garam Coffee”. There was something primitive in her tone,

WHAT AN IRONY……….STRANGERS IN ONE’S OWN HOMELAND

After winding up an exhausting business meeting in Connaught Place, I thought of having a coffee at CCD. The name ‘Cafe Coffee Day’ makes an instant connection with coffee cravings without burning a hole in your pocket. Hats off to the creative mind behind its punch line - 'A lot can happen Over Coffee’ How relevant.
I seated myself on a couch near the glass window and ordered for my regular 'Tropical Iceberg'. The waiter who took my order gave a fake ear to ear smile - 'Mam, with ice-cream".
I too equaled him with one of my fake smiles adding-'Yep! With a scoop of Vanilla'. I don’t understand that whether the smiles of these waiters are just courteous or a tool to compel you to add few more calories to your coffee. Luckily for the time being, calories are not a matter of concern for me.
While waiting for my coffee, I had two options either to scan the young crowd with my eagle eyes or to drown myself in the tabloid lying on the glass table like a lazy dog. I retreated to the later option rather than making some of the young love birds conscious with my scrutiny. (Here I will like to confess that sometimes I enjoy being mean.....enough to make others uneasy). The unusual delay in the order left me with ample time to chew on an article on "Racism in OZ".
I was in the midway of the article when somebody on the side table piped - '' I just love chowmein, especially if it’s red hot''. Though the tone was casual, the person has clearly emphasized the word love which sounded more like laav. "Chinese is my all time favorite but just the thought of sphagetti’s waters my mouth "- followed a comparitively louder reply in a deliberately modulated husky tone. Both the conversant gave a high five followed by deafening giggles.
I lifted my head from the article to notice what had urged the guys to declare their love for Chinese so loudly. The dual meaning of their conversation sank slowly.

Losing dreams….Losing life ….losing future ...all just in a sniff
For me it has been a month of repeatedly losing my way in the unfamiliar territory of thoughts. It’s eating me like hell and finally I thought of writing it down though I am well aware that it’s not going to help me in any way.

Everyday in the evening I notice them on my way back to home from office. Their grim faces drooping over hunched shoulders are always there…..on the pavement just a few yards from the traffic signal at the junction of Panchkuian road & outer circle of Connaught Place.

Men, women & kids, all covered in layers of dirt with flies soaring over their uncombed hair. Men, all in rags are either with stubble or with beard sticking to their fleshless cheek bones. Kids have their thumb in the mouth, running noses and wearing dirty underwear in the name of clothing. The women wear thick kohl in their sleepy eyes & metallic jewelry which is in contrast to their soiled apparels. For the first time when I watched them from a distance I thought them to be beggars ………but when I got closer I found that…… THEY ARE NOT BEGGARS.

Gold is rare but honest angels are the rarest. In Delhi, if summers are this much hot than I don’t know what the thermometer will read in Sahara. To beat the rising mercury we “Baccha Party” of 8 people all above 18 years thought of having fun at ‘Splash’, It is a much talked about summer hub, a water park which is at Alipur i.e. on the outskirts of Delhi. Thanks to our good stars of being employed in this recession that we were left with no option other than zeroing down on Sunday to have fun….. at least we have a Sunday off unlike the housewives who work 24 X 7 throughout the year. To me beating the heat seemed to be an idea as good as winning a kick boxing against your computer when you have lost a game of chess against it.

I will say that probably it was one of our worst ideas……. at least in the past seven ages …….. we realized it only when we arrived there…..It was like a full fledged fish market …….in addition to that most of the fishes were too plump……some carrying a pumpkin & some carrying a watermelon instead of their bellies. The scene looked quite similar to the outrageous art work of M F Hussain. I was just wondering how hygienic the water in the pools would be when more than a hundred people were pulling each other like crazy crabs in a pool which had a capacity of about fifty.


The water park is managed in a way of its own …..out of total seven slides three were not working………you would only get a air tube if you have not committed a sin through out your life and unluckily none of us fell in that category…….. the floats are also few in number and you have to literally beg the safeguards to grab one….…Guddy Maruti should be kept away from the creaky rain dance floor. But somehow the shortcomings are too be ignored compared to the thrill you feel while coming down a high slide and making a splash in the water at the terminal.

My brother is as finicky as any other guy in his 21st year is. His assets are his never ending stock of advises which he gives at least thrice in every two hours ….whether you need his advise or not but he makes sure that you listen till he finishes. He addressed our younger sis – “This is a water park and not a fashion parade, you should not be wearing your chain, earrings & finger rings. You must know that when you are in water your rings may escape your fingers “.


She replied him with a glint of red in her eyes and a knot in her eyebrows –“everybody is entitled to have his/her way of life and I don’t understand why you always come in my way just like a traffic policemen ready to fine me even if the signal is green”.


He quipped- “dear I know that everybody has his/her way of life and so does everybody have opinions the only difference is that mine is fine and yours is stupid as always”.


My Jees was busy capturing us in his handicam. For about an hour we were busy climbing the stairs to skate down the high slides. Every time I climbed up the stairs I thought the water park authorities should seriously think of replacing the crumbling staircase with an escalator/ elevator.

It so happened that after an hour my sis revealed that her gold chain was missing. The realization came as a shock to us & as an open invitation to my brother to give one more advice. He said “This is just an after effect of not listening to me, fools turn there mistakes into big blunders when they don’t follow a wise man”
We all were busy searching for the chain by running our hands on the surface of the pool and within five minutes almost everybody in the pool came to know about the incident. Our idea of fun was lost in a gold chain…..How materialistic?

A lady of about ten years less than half a century murmured to her two brownie kids and to a man who seemed to be her better half-“If we are able to find it then today’s outing would be free of cost”. My cousin overheard it & when she shared it with us we were shocked at the lady’s thinking as she seemed quite educated…..but yeah getting education is different from being educated.

I thought to myself-‘If you sell your honesty you end up being rich quite quickly’. We observed that the lady with her family were busy searching for the chain as if it was the Kohinoor of Mughals & if they did not find it they shall be hanged to death…..too much yaar. Ironically we had lost all our hopes as it was just impossible to find it in such a crowded pool.

We were just trying to forget the incident when a boy approached us & handed out the chain to us. We were surprised to see that one of the loops of the chain was broken still the pendant was in its place. We were too happy & thanked the guy again and again…..in our excitement we even forgot to ask the name of the guy. However, we suppressed our happiness and made sure that our detective Mrs. Sherlock Holmes – with her team shall be busy finding the chain on the cost of fun she might had otherwise.

The moral is – “Never go to a water park imitating Bappi Lehri that to on a weekend because if you lost your gold you may not be as lucky as we .....as honest people are really rare …… if you don’t believe me then why are you waiting …..go & experiment ”.

Femininely Macho......can outwit females by their vanity cases
Two days ago, I was going through one of the articles about Gordon Brown’s exposed vanity case and his make up regime. I felt it to be a bit funny…..just ask him.......he might be red hot & even his make up wont be able to hide it. I was really amused at the detailed description the male author has provided …..it seemed as if he might have tried some of the beauty products himself.

It reminded me of the time when I was a hostler during my senior secondary. I still remember very well that how our PTI had suspended a boy from attending the classes of Physical education for about a week …………..just because his beautician had threaded his eyebrows too an extent that they looked like arch’s drawn with a sharp HB pencil. The poor boy was grounded for a week …………………though I am sure he might have thanked the stars that he was not asked to run 15 rounds of the big school ground………..which was the favorite punishment of our macho PTI.as if it was a national news.....How mean of us. believe me I don’t lie,its just that sometimes my imagination runs wild which is as rare as seeing a camel desperately trying to make his way through Delhi's traffic. Though Mr. Xprsns nick name had nothing to do with any of his unusual habits which qualified him to a direct entry in Agra's mental hospital ......contrary to his name he was always expresionless. We were taken aback when he recommended his home made pack of fuller’s earth (multani mitti) & some other peculiar ingredients to Deepanjali, my best friend.
He insisted - “Deepanjali, belive me the usage of my pack followed by Ever youth’s orange peel off shall make your skin soft and blemish free, just like mine”. “Hey! Why are you guys laughing”-he quipped bit shyly………He sounded much more like a fair & lovely commercial……..….too girlish, isn’t it.

“I am sorry, I won’t use it and after all I don’t want to compete with you in the forthcoming beauty pageant” Deepanjali had replied just the way she used to with a glint of mischief in her eyes. She added-“I will prefer to clap for you while you are being crowned”

These are not the only instances which make me feel that –‘males love to look good & secretly use beauty products’. Somehow accepting this truth is hard for them as it doesn’t gel with their Macho image. Males do have a skin, they too can get a sun tan & even pollution can also affect their skin. So it’s not a big deal if they use some of the skin care products.
But believe me it really becomes funny when you think that some of the males even apply foundation, compact, concealer etc. I will rather call them Feminine Macho’s and believe me I shall love to see one in real life…….I wonder what this new clan of ultraaa -metrosexuals look like.

“F” Encyclopedia’s………………What’s that?

‘Hey! Babes How you doing?” the guy with a spiky hairdo beamed. “Fucking bad….., this bloody heat sucks man” came a husky reply from the gal wearing purple colored lenses that matched her equally purple nail paint.
Oh! What a horrible color to wear on such a sunny day when you can just make an oamlate by breaking an egg on your palm. I thought to myself which I often do in public.This was the fourth time I came across the wild usage of ‘F’ terminology that too within a week’s time. More interestingly all the user’s who came under my scrutiny were females either at the metro stop or while I was taking a short cut from Janpath or while shopping from East Delhi Mall . We being humans tend to note something which is unusual and so do I.
Now you will ask what’s so unusual about it?. I somehow don’t have brains big enough to understand the logic behind the casual usage
Even some of our college going guys & birds seem to have done their Masters in ‘F’ology. I don’t know from were they got their classes & degrees. And some of our hunks are mobile encyclopedias of this ‘F’ mania.

Though I sincerely advocate “Equal rights for both males & females” but somehow can’t digest it when I hear those F words from a fair sex. May be it’s the deep rooted ideology of being Indian that expect girls to be soft-spoken and sophisticated or its that……I just don’t know. .

First time......always stays

This is my first blog.........too perplexed to pen down anything.......just putting down some words....phrases....sentences......and than erasing them. I think that this happens with every new blogger, its just that some accept it & some are too self obsessed to do so.

There are so many things which happen to us for the first time. Its the first time which is always special & remains in our heart forever............................. whether it was your first tricycle which made you the most sought under five......................your first crush during your kindergarden days with whom you shared your lunch & candies..................your first pocket money which made you Bill Gates in your own eyes......................the first time when you bunked the class, got caught & not to mention what was the after effect.........................your first board exam which made your heart beat faster & brain numb...............your first day in the college & how you desperately tried to escape from the ragging ordeal........................your first date when you thought you should have carried an Oxford or collins Dictionary to avoid that obvious loss of words.